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The Breakup That Went Horribly Wrong/Izzy's Got the Frizzies
These are two episodes of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. In "The Breakup That Went Horribly Wrong", Coltrane, Jeremy, and Albert sings a rap song called "Break Up", which turned out to be a TERRIBLE idea. In "Izzy's Got the Frizzies", Carl learns that Isabella Garcia-Shapiro whips her hair back and forth. Memorable Quotes in "The Breakup That Went Horribly Wrong" Carl: So, lately I've been talking to a lot of young people, and asking what kind of music kids listen to today. I found out a lot of things that I haven't realized. Young Irving, for example, is more popular than I realized. And the kids are also into this new guy that I've never heard of named Jeremy J. I told the kids that I've never heard of him, but he has a new song on the radio right now. Carl: See, Jeremy and this other guy I've never heard of are guest performers on this song by C-list R&B singer Coltrane. Coltrane has been around for a while, and his music has ranged from the forgettably terrible. Coltrane: (singing) But you say I'm just a friend..... Carl: To the terribly forgettable. Coltrane: You should let me love you.... Carl: But this new song has been doing well for Coltrane. It's his biggest song in....years. And I'm so intrigued by this, I brought Coltrane himself to comment on his new song. (picks up a life-size toy of Coltrane wearing a Super Mario costume and begins speaking in an Italian accent) It'sa me, Coltrane! (in his regular voice) It is you, Coltrane. Ready to hear your new song? (in an Italian accent) Let'sa go. Stacy: (in the music video, whispering) I love you, but I don't think I can love you anymore... Carl: Pause. Two seconds in, and I'm already impressed. So much emotion packed into one short sentence. Did Princess Stacy inspire this, Coltrane? (speaks in an Italian accent) It'sa me, Coltrane! (in regular voice) What insight! Let's keep listening! I can't wait to hear more! Coltrane: (rapping) When I kiss you so good, why would you wanna break up..... Jeremy: (yelling while Coltrane is rapping) Coltrane! Jeremy! Albert the pen! Carl: ....What is this? Carl: .....This is a song? This is music? This is supposed to be popular? What? What is this!? Jeremy: (rapping) Now baby girl dumped me, she no longer wants me..... Carl:.......(in an Italian accent).......It'sa me, Coltrane........(in his regular voice) I don't even wanna to continue the "Super Coltrane" joke. (puts the statue away) I have to focus on this atrocity. Carl: This is the music of (bleep). This is like evil clown funhouse music. Jeremy, Coltrane, and Albert: (fail to rap. While they sing, a clip of Heinz wearing a clown costume pops up on screen) Carl: So, Coltrane and Al and Jeremy......oh god, which one is which!? Anyway, it sounds like they're threatening to kill this girl. (he takes out a knife and says in an evil voice) I'll do anything for you, why would you wanna break up!? Carl: And then, there's Jeremy J. Jeremy: Now baby girl dumped me, she no longer wants me, I'm no longer hired, she says that I've been fired.... Carl:.......Really? This is the new rapper everyone's been talking about? Jeremy: Why you wanna leave me, you should wanna tease me..... Carl: Really? Jeremy: Baby girl went Ferby, she used to be my Phinny..... Carl: Interesting that you used the word "Phinny", because you kind of remind me of a different "Phinny". Phineas: (rapping) Phinny Boy off in this oh! Watch me crank that watch me roll! Carl: Yeah, I went there. I just totally burned you! I just associated you with Phinny Boy! I'm sure you're totally feeling respected now! Jeremy and Phineas: (rapping) Jeremy bandanna, Jeremy Jeremy bandanna.... Carl: ....never mind. At least I know what I'm dealing with now. Coltrane: When I be driving through your 'hood, why do you wanna break up? Carl: ......(sarcastically) "Oh, you charmer. I was going to leave, but then I found out that you were driving through my 'hood. Oh baby, I can't let you go". (facepalm) Coltrane: (singing) But baby, I love you......OH! Carl: OHHHHHH! Hip hop! Stop shouting "OH!" after every line! Phineas: OH! Ferb: OH! Baljeet: OH! Carl: Not every song needs to have some random guys shouting "OH!" Isabella: Whatcha doin, whatcha doin, I really wanna know..... Coltrane: OH! Carl: Do I really have to analyze the lyrics to this song? Isn't the music bad enough? Fine, here goes. Coltrane: Do anything for you, why do you wanna break up? Carl: Okay. Jeremy: On to the next one, more fish in the sea.... Carl: All right. Albert: Imma change my ways, we can work it out.... Carl: Huh-uh. Albert: If you leavin baby don't leave me till tomorrow, tonight we gonna get a little tipsy with a bottle.... Carl: Oh, geez! (sarcastically) Oh, honey, you always know what to say! (in his regular voice) Move on! Coltrane: Saying I be faithful but I don't... Carl: You got all that? So you just had a breakup, and you made a song expressing the following. A, "But I'm so awesome!" B, "Whatever". C, "I promise to be better." D, "Lemme get ya drunk." And E, "My promises are worthless", then basically, if your breakup is giving you major bouts of incurable schizophrenia, then man, have I got a song for you. Coltrane: Don't I make your earlobe freeze? Carl: Wow. That is the single weirdest pick up line I've ever heard. I've heard of making your toenails curl, but making your earlobes freeze!? Carl: It's time for another game of "Finish the Rhyme". (plays the "Finish the Rhyme" theme song on his piano) Bring it on! Albert: You might be familiar but to me you're a model, everything that I-I ever seen in a..... Carl: Bottle. (the "incorrect answer" buzzer goes off) Throttle? (buzzer goes off) Waddle? (buzzer goes off) What!? Albert: Everything that I-I ever seen in a.... Carl: (holds his breath) Albert:...model.... Carl:........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW IS THIS SONG ACTUALLY GETTING WORSE!? WHO WOULD LISTEN TO THIS!? IT'S NOT CATCHY, YOU CAN'T DANCE TO IT! WHY WOULD ANYONE LISTEN TO THIS!? Carl: I just.....I just don't understand why anyone would listen....(realizes that he is holding a chunk of his hair)...........This song is so bad that it's making my hair come out in clumps. (wipes his nose) And my nose is bleeding a little........Okay, I'm done. I'm done. This review is over. Let me just finish up by saying no joke, not trying to be funny, THIS IS THE WORST SONG I'VE EVER HEARD. Whoever's responsible for this should be killed. Whoever's listening to this should be sterilized. And as for Jeremy, I have one thing to say about him. Jeremy: (rapping) I don't like Jeremy. Carl: And neither should you. I'm out. (episodes ends) Memorable Quotes in "Izzy's Got the Frizzies" Carl: (tries to play "Whip My Hair" on a piano)....No, give me a moment, give me a moment. I can do this. (presses a single key on the piano) Play the song again. Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth! (repeats) Carl: One more time. Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth! (repeats) Carl: Okay. (plays "Whip My Hair" on the piano) Yes! I did it! I played "Whip My Hair" on my piano by ear!......What the (bleep) was that!? Carl: Apparently, Alberto Shapiro is trying to make his entire family famous. He forced his son Albert to be in the movie industry. Albert got his big debut in "The Pursuit of Happiness", which is about an awful human being who forces his son to live in a homeless shelter while he tries to pursue his dream of being a stockbroker. Albert also gave an obnoxious performance when he starred in "The Beak: The Musical" as Phineas, which gives Khaka Peu Peu a reason why to make everyday the worst day ever. But Albert's big break came when he starred in the "Karate Kid" remake, despite being a third of the size and age for the part. They might as well cast a puppy. (a picture of a puppy pops up) To be honest, the Karate Kid remake wasn't terrible, but while I'm always suspicious about the parents of child actors, the Garcia-Shapiros also struck me as smart. Also, with all the fame, fans, and fortune, I'm sure little Albert is happy with what he's doing. Albert: (with tears in his eyes) I'm not happy! I HATE IT! Carl: He loves it. Carl: I just realized something. Isabel and Alberto named their kids "Isabella" and "Albert". They have got to be the dorkiest, most overparenting mom and dad in history. Carl: Why do people hate "Whip My Hair"? Why does it make people so angry? Before I explain, you should know that Isabella Garcia-Shapiro whips her hair back and forth. Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth! (keeps repeating) Carl: I see. Could you elaborate that? Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth! (keeps repeating) Carl: I'm just not getting it. Could you go over that again? Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth! (keeps repeating) Carl: (sarcastically) This just in! Isabella Garcia-Shapiro whips her hair in a way that experts are describing as "back and forth!" Carl: "Whip My Hair" is a three minute song, and it uses the tradional music structure of "verse-chorus-verse-chorus". That amazes me, because when I first heard this song I heard Isabella saying that single line for three hours. It just seems to go on and on and ON. Carl: I could play other annoying songs on top of this, and it still wouldn't be as worse as it already is. Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth... (repeats) Coltrane: Imma be, imma be, imma imma imma be.. (repeats) Irving: This is the most annoying song in the world! (repeats) Candace: It's a busting feeding frenzy, stay outta the water... (repeats) Doofenshmirtz: My name is Doof, and you'll do what I say! Woop woop! (repeats) Carl: Oh my god... SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I GET IT! YOU WHIP YOUR HAIR BACK AND FORTH! HOW IS THIS INFORMATION IMPORTANT!? Carl: Apparently "whipping your hair" is a sign to people who are jealous and resentful and belittle your success to make them feel better about themselves, also known as "haters". Isabella: And now they don't know what to do so we whip our hair around and just shake them off..... Carl: I can think of more appropriate responses to haters, like the finger. (flips the bird) I flip the bird back and forth, I flip the bird back and forth.....yeah, you get it. Carl: "Whipping your hair" seems to be a new term to me. It seems to be working for Isabella. Let me try it. (puts a blonde wig on his head and "whips" it back and forth) Hmmm....let me try it on some people..... (scene cuts to Carl sitting in front of a webcam) Carl: Hey, Eliza! Eliza: Oh, hey Carl. Carl: Remember when I said I hated "Party Rock Anthem" and you said you didn't? Eliza: Um, yes? Carl: Well, here's what I think about that! (whips his "hair" back and forth while Isabella sings "Whip My Hair" in the background) Eliza: ............. Carl: (continues whipping his hair) Eliza: O....kay....... Carl: Yeah! Alright, who's next? (another webcam pops up) Carl: Hey, Albert! Albert: Yes? Carl: You're trying to take my spot as the "cool nerd" on "Phineas and Ferb"!? Albert: No, no! I'd never do that! I was just trying to make a name for myself! Carl: Well, take this! (whips his "hair" back and forth while Isabella sings "Whip My Hair" in the background) Albert: Um.... Carl: (continues whipping his hair) Albert: Um, okay? Well, you enjoy doing that Carl. I have to go now..... Carl: (continues whipping his hair) Norm: Is there some kind of medication that you should be taking? Carl: (continues whipping his hair) Major Monogram: Carl...WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Vanessa:...Why haven't I blocked you yet? Carl: (in front of a piano) That just made me look stupid! It makes me look even more like an idiot in front of these people. My neck hurts! Seriously, that's the dumbest looking dance move I've seen since.....um..... Albert's dad: (singing) Nod your head! Carl: Oh, right, it runs in the family. Nod your head! Nod your hair! Carl: I can't believe I'm taking advice on how to deal with haters by a ten year old who spent her whole life abundantly rich. What haters do you have, Isabella? Did your teacher make you come in early from recess? Did that boy from across the street not notice you? Carl: Everything about this song reeks of juvenile kiddiness. If you need evidence, just look at the video. (shows a bunch of kids wearing white and gray clothing, sitting in a white and gray cafeteria) The world is dark and gray. But Isabella Garcia-Shapiro lights it up with her magical colors. This is the same technique that they use to sell Fruit Roll-Ups and sugared cereals to kindergarteners. (screen shows Isabella smiling) A kid's voice: Silly rabbit, Trix's are for kids! (screen shows Isabella with puffy hair) Carl: What kind of parent lets their kid walk around with their hair like that? That looks stupid. And yes, I'm going to criticize the looks of a ten year old. Isabella: (singing) When you see me pull up, I whip it real hard... Carl: Pull up in what!? Your tricycle!? Isabella: All my ladies if you feel me, come and do it, do it, whip your hair... Carl: You're ten! You don't have any ladies except your mom! Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it) I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good).... Carl: Wait, say that middle part again. Isabella: I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it) I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good).... Carl:....."Whip it real good"? That better not be a (bleep)ing Love Handel reference! Danny: (sings "Whip It" by Devo) Carl: No, no, no, NO! You do NOT get to reference the greatest band of all time just for a spoiled brat's R&B song. Isabella probably doesn't even know who Love Handel is. You think Love Handel wants their lyrics coming out of the mouth of a squeaky-clean Disney Channel ready moppet who has nothing in common with their music? Baljeet: Crack that whip! Carl:........... Gretchen: Whip it! Into shape! Shape it up! Get straight! Carl:.......One disaster at a time, Carl. Isabella: All you ladies if you feel me come and do it do it whip your hair, no matter if it's long, short, do it do it whip your hair.... Carl: ....I like how Isabella is including everyone in this song, but of course, if your hair is short you canNOT WHIP YOUR HAIR YOU STUPID LITTLE GIRL! Carl: This is an awful, awful song. I have no idea why anyone would want to listen to baby Candace explain the direction of her hair whipping over fifty times in one song. Carl: Did Isabella have any haters before making this song? Well, she's got a trillion of them now! Yesterday, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro was an adorable little girl without a care in the world. Today, she annoys millions with the worst song that has ever been written. And if you don't like it, she will whip her hair at you, and you don't want that. Isabella: (sings the end of "Whip My Hair") (screen shows a video game with the caption Isabella vs. Buford. Video game Isabella whips her hair at video game Buford, and Buford dies) A man's voice: Fatality. (episode ends) Trivia *In "The Breakup That Went Horribly Wrong", Stacy dated Coltrane, Albert dated a Stacy lookalike, and Jeremy dated Candace. The boys cheated on the girls, and the girls were outraged. *Coltrane seemed to be the only one who cared about his breakup. Jeremy was like "whatever", and Albert was only interested in getting the Stacy lookalike drunk. *In "Izzy's Got the Frizzies", Vivian's name is Isabel and her Albert's dad's name name is Alberto. Alberto's son is Albert, and somehow, Isabella is half-related to Irving. Apparently, Alberto had Isabella and Albert with Vivian/Isabel and had an affair with another woman and had Irving. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Coltrane Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Isabella Garcia-Shapiro Category:Albert Category:Reviews